Wednesday, August 3, 2011

OT: Panic of Near Adulthood

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In a couple of days I'll be turning 21. This realization brought panic to my once calm system. I noticed how the days quickly change from Sunday to Wednesday. The weekend is fast approaching and so are the deadlines for work and school projects. 

While I was doing my laundry a while ago, I realized that I had a lot of things to do for this month. I have to finish a script for a documentary, publish two news articles, finish my writing projects for work, study for exams, clean the house, and the list goes on. Because of these responsibilities, I've let time pass by me. I realized that I have't really done something that made me really happy, except for doing outreach. I somehow let time pass by without even relishing the moments. I look back at my previous years and realize that I've only been REALLY happy and fulfilled for a couple of times.

My #1 fan! ♥

Another sight that added to my contemplation mode was our neighbor's wounded cat. This cat's not ours but we've come to somehow "adopt" it by feeding it when we have leftovers. He's a healthy and big cat but just recently he wounded his eyes that made him weak. I realized that life is indeed short. You'll never know when your time is up. You may be healthy now, but be extremely sick tomorrow and die the day after. I know it's sad, but this is reality.

The crazy friends who always got my back.

When I die, would I go in peace? When time's up,  can I really say that I've done what I really wanted in life? Can I say I have been living a fulfilling life? Have I been really leading the life I wanted? 

These questions, although stupid, are what I'm asking myself now. Have I done everything I wanted to do? For the past 20 years, I guess I've been going in circles. Torn between doing what I want from being what my family wants me to be. I'll be honest, I've been caged for most of my life. My fake independence is all that I have. I cannot go out and stay up all night with friends because I'm not allowed to. My latest curfew is 12mn once a year during Sinulog. I need to leave by 11pm in order to go home the same day. I cannot stay overnight during trekking because I'm not allowed. Trekking at daytime will even have their own sets of questions, what more an overnight or a few days trip?

The trek that started it all. 

What I really want to do is travel and experience the world. There are lots of food I haven't eaten, placed I haven't been, things I haven't experienced, people I haven't met because I let the walls come down on me. I need to walk on my feet and  get out of the nest. It's a big world out there and it's screaming right at me. I've been at home for most of my life. Nothing's wrong with it, but is it really the fulfilling life I want? Does this make me happy?

For this new decade of my life, I will begin a real travel. I don't want to die and not be able to live my life as I wanted it to be. I will lead it and relish the moments that I've had. I will take the path that I've always wanted. I will no longer accept the barriers around me. I will die and know that I've been through the places and met the best people in the world. Life is indeed wonderful. 

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